# Math Jokes

Do you like Math jokes? That's great! We too! Find the funniest Math jokes below.

### Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.

(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

### Scientists recently did a study

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

### What is the average Math teacher like?

Mean.

### Girls are like math problems...

If they are under 18, it's best you do them in your head.

### If I had 50 cents for every math exam I failed in college...

I would be up to about $6.30 now.

### My math teacher used to call me average....

It was mean.

### Math and naked women.

A mathematician and an engineer go into a lab for a test. They're led into a room and shown a beautiful naked lady sitting on the table across the way. The conductor tells them that every 5 seconds, they're permitted to walk half the distance closer. The mathematician immediately throws his arms up and leaves. He sees the engineer eagerly awaiting the countdown and asked, "What are you doing? You know we'll never actually touch her!" The engineer smiles... "Maybe, but we'll get close enough for all reasonable applications."

### School jokes

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

### Did I ever tell you guys about the time I made it with my really hot math teacher?

couldn't really brag about it at the time 'cause I was home schooled...

### Trump is asked the answer to 2+2.

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, "10101000101", on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. Ok? Alright. Thank you."

credit: someone on a george takei facebook post

(should this go in /r/funny instead?)

### The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried...

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:

1) Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2)Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3) Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No

4)Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5) Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6)Teaching Math In 2010

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

### Math Puns

The first sine of madness.

### A teacher poses a question to her 1st grade students

She asks the students "If there are three birds all sitting on a fence and you shoot one of the birds off, how many birds are left sitting on the fence?"

Little Johnny immediately raises his hand and says "well there would be no birds left sitting on the fence because you shot one bird off and the sound of the gunshot would scare the other two birds away."

Taken aback the teacher says, "actually little Johnny this is a math problem, if there are three birds perched on a fence and you shoot one of the three birds off there would be only two birds left, 3-1=2, but hey *I like the way you think*."

Little Johnny looks puzzled and raises his hand again. The teacher, becoming a little aggravated by Johnny's questioning says "yes little Johnny, what is it?"

Little Johnny looks up at her and says "well teach I have got a question for you. If there are three women all sitting on a park bench, and all three of them are eating popsicles, one woman is licking her popsicle, one woman is biting her popsicle, and the last woman is sucking her popsicle, which one of the three women is married?"

The teacher thinks about it for a minute and she responds "well I would have to think that the woman who is sucking on her popsicle is definitely the one who is married." To which little Johnny replies "actually it is the woman who is wearing the wedding ring, but hey *I like the way you think*."

### Two students were complaining about math class.

"I hate math. Well, I really just hate numbers." "What do you mean?" "Take seventeen, for instance. I hate seventeen. There's nothing good about seventeen." "What's so bad about seventeen?" "Nothing really. It's just a prime example."

### One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces

### A priest and a math teacher...

die and go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and then shows them to their accommodations. He brings the math teacher to a luxurious mansion, with a hedge maze, marble columns, and a fountain. The priest thinks to himself, "If the math teacher gets this, imagine what I might get!" So he follows St. Peter past a row of large houses, a row of suburban houses, a row of small houses, a row of houses for rent, a row of apartment complexes, and all the way to a row of tree-houses. St. Peter shows the priest to a small tree-house. The priest is baffled, and says, "WHAT!? The math teacher got a MANSION!"

St. Peter replies, "We grant houses based on the amount of people you get to pray, and the math teacher got more people to pray then you ever did."

### Simple mathematics

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.

I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students.

Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

### Math Professor Joke

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

### 26 groaners

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.

### A Hillbilly is the First in his Family to Attend Ninth Grade...

Jethro is the first in a long line of hillbillies and bumpkins to attend schooling beyond the eighth grade. After his first day of high school, the whole family is bursting with pride to see him swaggering up the driveway.

His father says, "Jethro, come tell us about that fancy high school! What'd you learn up there today?"

Jethro says, "Pa, they taught me some al-gee-bra."

His father is dumbstruck. "What is al-gee-bra, boy?"

Jethro says, "I ain't too sure. I think it's a math language."

His father says, "Well, speak some of that fancy al-gee-bra for us!"

Jethro says, "Pi R Squared."

Everyone in the family stops smiling. Jethro's father shakes his head. "No, boy. Pie are round. Cornbread are squared."

### If I Had A Nickel For Every Math Test I Failed...

I'd have 97 cents.

### I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

### Why is a math book so sad?

Because it's full of problems.

### The train ride to the engineering and math convention

A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.

Then, one of the engineers said "here comes the conductor" and then all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the math majors.

He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.

So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."

### I like the way you think.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

### Math is like another language

2n+2n is 4n to me

### Math made simple:

If you have $20 and your wife has $15, she has $35.

### Girls are like Math problems

If they are under 18 , it's better to do them in your head.

### Why couldn't the A level student date the IB student?

Because a + ib is complex.

(It's a math joke.)

edit: this is not original, heard it from a friend.

### I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers.

What are the odds?

### A Jewish boy is doing poorly in math

Young Jewish boy is doing poorly in math. His parents are very concerned because they're both good at mathematics and they feel like he needs to learn math in order to be successful in college. They do everything they can to try to interest him. They hire tutors, they promise him rewards, they praise him when he does something good in math but nothing seems to work: he keeps coming back home after each report card period with an F in mathematics.

The parents are at their wit's end and don't know what else to do so they finally decide to consult the rabbi. The parents go to the rabbi and say "oh wise Rabbi our son is doing poorly in mathematics. We know he has the ability but he's just not applying himself what do we do?" Rabbi strokes his chin, is silent for a while and then he turns to the parents and says "I'm going to give you a solution but I have to warn you it's going to be very unorthodox". The parey look puzzled and so the rabbi continues. He says "if you want your son to excel in mathematics, enroll him a Catholic school. If you do that you'll get better at math I guarantee."

The parents are both surprised at the rabbi's advice but they trust him and think he's a wise man so they enroll their son in a Catholic school. The very first day after the son is in Catholic school he comes home and go straight to his room and does his mathematics homework all evening. The next night the same thing happens and so on and so on and he comes home at the end of the report card period eith an A in mathematics. The parents are beaming and delighted that the rabbi's advice worked. Finally the mother asks the son "what is it that made you improve so much in mathematics? Was it the discipline at the Catholic School? The uniforms? Better teachers?" And the son said 'No. The very first day I came in I saw that guy hanging on the plus sign I knew they meant business"

### A young boy....

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math! Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!" :s

### Why did Adolf Hitler hate math class?

He didn't like showing his work; was only interested in the final solution.

### A man left a letter for his wife on the dining table

The letter read:

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset...I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

### Two mathematicians, one pessimist and one optimist, are sitting at a bar, arguing about the general public's knowledge of math...

The pessimist says that most people are absolutely terrible at math while the optimist says that although people don't know much, they at least know a bit and it's better than nothing.

When the pessimist goes for a smoke, the optimist tells the attractive blonde waitress, "When my colleague returns, I will ask you a question. The content of the question doesn't matter - all you have to do is respond with, 'one third x cubed.'"

Over the loud music, the waitress asks, "One fur is cute?"

"No, no, no, one third x cubed," responds the optimist. "Ohh okay, one third is tubed. Uhh okay...Got it." The waitress leaves, repeating to herself, "one third is tubed, one third is tubed."

When the pessimist returned, the optimist tells him, "Let's do a little experiment and ask the waitress what the answer to a simple integral is."

The pessimist smirks and agrees. The optimist calls over the waitress and asks, "Do you by any chance know the integral of x\^2 dx?" The waitress answers, "One third of x cubed..."

The pessimist is surprised while the optimist laughs joyfully. The waitress starts walking away before turning around and adding, "plus a constant."

### Blonde Research Study

An American research firm is tasked with conducting a study to determine if blonde women truly are less intelligent than everyone else. To do this, they host a convention for blonde women at an airport Hilton. At the orientation meeting, the chief researcher greets the crowd in a large banquet room. "Thank you all so very much for coming", the researcher remarks. "We'll have a number of seminars and activities in which you will all participate this weekend, but to get things started, I'd like to select one of you to come up on stage and answer a few math questions as a bit of an icebreaker".

A voluptuous young blonde woman is selected to come on stage, and so begins the researcher's questions. "What is 30 + 40?", asks the researcher. "Ummmmm....80?", responds the blonde. Upon hearing the answer, the crowd shouts "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE".

The researcher, playing along, replies "Alright alright. What is 15 + 15?". The blonde, a bit hesitant now to embarrass herself again, replies, albeit a bit apprehensively "Uhhhhhh...40??". The crowd, eager to support this poor woman, shouts once again "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE".

The researcher, now chuckling at the apparent ineptitude of the woman onstage with him, replies "Ok ok ok one last shot. What is 2 + 2?". The woman's demeanor immediately picks up, as she's certain she knows the answer this time. Confidently, she responds "Four!". Immediately, the crowd again shouts "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE".

### What is a feminist's favorite math class?

Triggernometry.

### They are serious!

A boy is getting all Ds and Fs in math so his parents send him to Catholic school. On his first report card, his parents are shocked to see their son getting straight As. When his parents ask him why, he says, “Well, when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they were serious.”

### Math class

Teacher asks Johnny:

"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?"

"An orgy?"

Edited: names spelling, grammar.

### A math professor, Dave, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."

Dave takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks Dave, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

Dave walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

### The Answer Is Four (Teacher Joke)

Little Johnny was in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question…

“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”

“None,” replied Johnny. “The rest would fly away.”

“Well, the answer is actually four,” said the teacher. “But I do like the way you’re thinking.”

Little Johnny quickly replies… “Well, I have a question for you… Say you spot three women eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, the second is biting her cone and the third is sucking her cone. Which one of these women is married?”

“Well,” says the teacher nervously, “I guess I’d say the one sucking the cone.”

“No,” says Little Johnny. “The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married. But I like the way you’re thinking.”

### The Math teacher called my son average.

I think he was mean.

### The Albino and the Black Sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.

The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok, ok, you no tell anyone, I no tell anyone."

### A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!

### Little Jewish boy that can't understand math

Two Jewish parents are very concerned that their little boy is failing at mathematics. They exhaust every method of tutoring and schooling, until they reach their last resort.... Catholic School.

The very next day little Elisha comes home from school, runs to his room, and began studying. To the parents astonishment when his reportcard arrives he has an A in math!!

They asked Elisha what the difference was and he replied," When I saw what they did to the poor guy on the plus sign I knew they were serious!!"

### Finger Licking Good

Little Timmy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Timmy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Timmy, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Timmy says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Timmy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

### There was an International Job opening.

Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"

Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.

### Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you have left. Think of a country that begins with that letter. Take the last letter of the country, and think of an animal that begins with that letter. Take the last letter of the animal, and think of a color that begins with that letter.

Now.... How many orange kangaroos are there in Denmark?

### Math joke courtesy of my teacher

I'll do algebra and I'll do trigonometry, but graphing is where I draw the line.

### Most people don't know that DMX is good at math

When solving a polynomial, X gon give it to you

### Puns make me numb

But math puns make me number

### A Jewish couple are having trouble teaching their son math.

They try several schools and tutors, and his math scores remain abysmal. Eventually, there's only one school left in town. It's a Catholic school, and the Jewish parents are uneasy about sending their son. But, after looking at the school's amazing academic records, they decide it would be selfish to hinder their child's education because of their religion. So they explain to their son that the school he's going to has a different belief system, and send him on his way.

After the first day at the new school, their son comes home, greets his parents, and goes up to his room to study. The second day, he does the same thing. This goes on all semester, until he gets his first report card. All A+ grades, even in math!

The parents are delighted, but curious. They ask their son, "What did this school do differently, that finally helped you learn math?"

"Well," the son replied, "I walked in the first day and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, and I knew these people meant business!"

### Puns makes me numb.

Math puns make me number.

### Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...

so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 sucking it, 1 licking it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one sucking it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think

### What do math and mermaids have in common?

They both have an alge-bra.

### A CEO needs help with a math problem so he asks his secretary to come into his office.

“If I were to give you 12% of $190,000, how much would you take off?” He asked.

She replied “everything but my earrings.”

### Someone told me my math skills were average.

I replied that they were just being mean.

### Whatever you do, don't tell this joke to a math person; they will just make you upset

Bill is a giant nerd, and he knows that he isn't perceived as cool; in fact, lots of people call him a square. So, in an effort to be cool, he finds some cool guys and decides to go do everything he can with them.

They say, "Hey Bill, we're going to the bar. Want to come?"

He says, "Sure," and comes to the bar. They all order shots and beers. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he orders shots and beers, and they all have a great time.

Next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a club. Bill comes along with them. They all start grinding on women and ordering tons of booze. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he does the same and has a good time.

The next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a football game. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he comes along. The guys are all cheering for their team enthusiastically, but Bill just sits quietly in his seat. Finally one of the guys says, "Bill, this isn't like you. Everything else we've done, you've joined in happily. Why won't you root for the team with us?"

Bill replies, "Well, I don't want to be a square. And rooting? Rooting is for squares."

### Dean, to the physics department:

"Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

### Purple Passion

Little Johnny was sitting in math class when he got bored. So he looks under his desk, as we all do time to time, and saw something written in purple marker:Purple Passion. So Johnny raised his hand and said "Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk." The teacher asked "What was it Johnny?" And Johnny said "Purple Passion." The teacher sent him STRAIGHT to the principal's office.

When he got to the office, the principal said "Johnny, I have NEVER seen you in here before for misconduct. What happened?" So Johnny said "Well I was sitting in math class when I got bored. So I looked under my desk and saw a something written in purple marker. So I raised my hand and said 'Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk.' So my teacher says to me 'What was written Johnny?' And now I'm here." So the principal says to Johnny "What was written there?" And Johnny says "Purple Passion." The principal expelled him on the spot.

So when Johnny got home, his mom said "Well you're home early. What happened?" So Johnny said "Well I was sitting in math class when I got bored. So I looked under my desk and saw a something written in purple marker. So I raised my hand and said 'Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk.' So my teacher says to me 'What was written Johnny?' And when I told her what was written, she sent me to the principal's office and then when I told him what it was, he expelled me. And now I'm here." So Johnny's mom asked him "What was written there?" So Johnny said "Purple Passion." Johnny's mom sent him to his room until his dad got home.

About 15 minutes later, Johnny's dad opens his bedroom door, saying "Son I heard you had a bad day today. Mind telling me what happened?" So Johnny said "Well I was sitting in math class when I got bored. So I looked under my desk and saw a something written in purple marker. So I raised my hand and said 'Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk.' So my teacher says to me 'What was written Johnny?' And when I told her what was written, she sent me to the principal's office and then when I told him what it was, he expelled me. Then when I got home and told Mom, she sent me to my room and now I'm here." So Johnny's dad said "What was written there?" And Johnny said, with some force, "Purple Passion!" His dad told him that he had 5 minutes to gather his belongings and get off his property.

Later that night, Johnny's walking along the road, his belongings in a hobo bag. About 2 hours after the sun went down, Johnny came across a drug dealer. The dealer said "You look a little young to be walking around on the streets this late. What happened?" But before Johnny could even say his first 'Well,' the cops show up. A few hours later, Johnny's sitting in court and the judge says to him "Johnny, you have good grades, you're a good kid, so what are you doing in my court?" So Johnny says to the judge "Well I was sitting in math class when I got bored. So I looked under my desk and saw a something written in purple marker. So I raised my hand and said 'Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk.' So my teacher says to me 'What was written Johnny?' And when I told her what was written, she sent me to the principal's office and then when I told him what it was, he expelled me. Then when I got home and told my mom, she sent me to my room until my dad got home. But when I told my dad, he disowned me and now I'm here." So the judge looks at Johnny and asks him "What was written under that desk Johnny?" Johnny said "Purple Passion!" The judge says that he was not allowed to enter the state for the next 15 years.

15 years later, Johnny go back to the state and back to his home town where he enters an old coffee shop. The waitress walks up to his table and asks him if he would like anything. Johnny tiredly replies "Just a water please." The waitress, noticing that something's off, sits down across from him and asks him what wrong. So Johnny said "About 15 years ago, I was sitting in math class when I got bored. So I looked under my desk and saw a something written in purple marker. So I raised my hand and said 'Teacher, I found something in purple marker written under my desk.' So my teacher says to me 'What was written Johnny?' And when I told her what was written, she sent me to the principal's office and then when I told him what it was, he expelled me. Then when I got home and told my mom, she sent me to my room until my dad got home. But when I told my dad, he disowned me. Then later that night, I had ended up in court and when I told the judge, he said I wasn't allowed in the state for 15 years and now I'm here." The waitress then asked Johnny "What was written under that desk?" And Johnny asked "You're not going to kick me out, are you?" And the waitress said "No." "You're not going to call the cops, are you?" And she said "No." And then Johnny apprehensively said "Purple...Passion..." The waitress remained calm and took out her pen and paper and scribbled something down. She then slid it over to Johnny.

Later that night, Johnny was standing on the side of a road looking at an old barn. He then looked at the note the waitress had given him. It said 'At 11-o-clock, look up at the top room of the old barn from across the street and you will find what you're looking for. He looked at his watch and it had JUST turned 11. He looked up at the barn and saw an erie purple light. He started to walk across the street when

BANG

Moral of the story: look both ways before crossing the street.

### johnny in the math class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

### Little Johnny was sitting in class....

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

### My son's math teacher called him average.

I think he's just mean.

### I know a funny math joke

But I’m 2^2 to say it

### The three wishes

Genie: you have three wishes

me: make math go away

Genie: ok, that one's on the house

me: yay, so I still get three wishes?

Genie: huh?

### What math subject are Feminists best at?

Triggernometry.

### What did the Little Mermaid wear to math class?

Her algae bra.

### Little Johnny moves to a Catholic School.

Little Johnny, is a student who is oblivious to religion and is really bad at math.

Little Johnny's parents wanted him to change and go to a Catholic School. After the first day, when Little Johnny arrived home, he went to his room directly. This continued until the first grading, when Little Johnny came home with his report card, he went directly to his room.

His mother, anxious to open the report card, expecting low grades, decided to open it anyway, and was surprised that Little Johhny's grade in math was the highest.

Little Johnny's mom decided to go to his room and ask him about his grades and what has he been doing here.

His mom asked "Wow Johhny, your score is so high! Im proud of you! But what made the difference? Was it the teachers?" Little Johnny replied "No"

"Was it the books?"

"No"

"Was it the new curriculum?"

"No"

"Then what was it Johnny?"

"Well, at the first day of school, i saw this man nailed to the plus sign, then i knew these guys were serious about math, so i studied everyday!"

### A young boy is selling milk

A woman walks up to the stand of which the man is selling milk. She observes that he was only about 12 or so. He had a lemonade stand with bottle upon bottle of milk. She reads his advertising sign

"One bottle is $3, 3 bottles is $10 "

Her, being a 17 yr old rebel, decided to buy one bottle. She handed the boy $3 and moved on. About 10 minutes later she came back. She bought another bottle. She came back one last time 5 minutes later. She bought one more bottle and ten told the boy,

"You are so stupid. I just bought 3 bottles of milk for $9 instead of $10. get your math down right, idiot. As she walked off, laughing. Then the boy said to her,

"Well at least I didn't get tricked into buying 3 bottles of milk."

### An average person tends to be a mean person

Math joke.

### All of my classes make me numb...

But math class makes me number.

### Math Problem

Q: If the the radius of a pizza is *z* and its width is *a*, what is the pizza's volume?

A: (pi)(z)(z)(a)

### My math teacher told me my IQ is pretty average.

Now that's just mean.

### Math joke : Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one",

or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"

### During a math lesson, the teacher asks, “If 5 birds are sitting on a fence and a rancher shoots one of them, how many are left on the fence?”

Johnny raises his hand and replies, “None. The other birds will fly away.”

The teacher laughs and exclaims, “While I appreciate the way you think, Johnny, the answer is 4.”

Johnny then asks, “Ok then. If three women are all eating an ice cream cone. One is biting the cone, the other is licking the ice cream and the third is sucking the ice cream, which one is married.

“The one sucking the ice cream?” Guesses the teacher.

“No, it’s the one wearing a wedding ring, but I appreciate the way you think.”

### Hahaha the football team

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on

coach, give him another chance!"

### A group of researchers were interested in studying...

...some of the complex effects of stereotype threat in test-taking situations. Stereotype threat is a social psychology theory that states an individual may experience anxiety when they have the potential to confirm a negative stereotype, thus adversely affecting their performance on a test. For example, women who were explicitly exposed to the stereotype that "females tend to perform more poorly than men on math tests" did in fact perform worse than women who took the test under neutral conditions.

Similarly, researchers have also found that a stereotype boost exists, where an individual performs better when explicitly exposed to a positive stereotype prior to taking a test. For example, Asians tended to perform better on math tests when primed with the stereotype that "Asians tend to perform better than other races on math tests."

The present researchers were interested in a situation where two conflicting stereotypes might compete with each other. The research design was to simply administer math tests to Asian females - half the group would be primed on the two conflicting stereotypes (Asians are good at math; females are bad at math), while the other half would receive no stereotype priming.

Results were inconclusive, as every research subject reported being involved in a car accident on the way to the lab.

### John learning Math

Teacher was teaching math to 5 yr old John.

Teacher: What is 5 - 5?

John: *Keeps Quiet*

Teacher: If you have 5 burgers and I take 5 burgers from you, what will you be left with?

John: French Fries.

### A math teacher ask his students, "What is 5Q + 5Q?"

The class responds, "10Q."

The teacher responds, "You're welcome/"

### What does a mermaid wear to math class

An algae-bra

I'm not sorry

### Friend: I got kicked out of math class today.

Me: Why?

Friend: Turns out mouthwash doesn't come after 69.

### Little Johnny is in math class

And the teacher asks, "If five birds are in a tree and you shoot two, how many are left?"

Ecstatic, Johnny replies, "None, the rest fly away!"

The teacher replies, "No, there are 3. But I like your thinking."

So johnny asks, "There are three women each with an ice cream cone. Thr first just licks the tip, the second licks around the base, and the third licks all over and really gets into it. Which one is married?"

"Why, the third of course."

"No, the one with the ring on her finger, but I like your thinking."

### LongA new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

### Here is a good one for the math lovers.

1

### Little Johnny : I like the way you think

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?" One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one --the one that the farmer shot."

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong --it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

Oldie, but a goodie.

### Math Joke

How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician?

An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.

### Two mathematics professors are sitting in a restaurant.

The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..."

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they need to know, or more."

Some time later, the first professor goes to the men's room. The other mathematician beckons to the waitress and says, "Next time you come to our table, I am going to ask you a question. No matter what I ask, I want you to answer by saying 'x-squared'. Please don't mess it up and there's an extra tip coming your way."

The waitress agrees. When the first mathematician returns, his companion says, "So lets put your theory to the test. I am going to ask some random person who comes by our table an elementary calculus question, and we'll see if they can solve it."

Soon the waitress comes by and he says, "Excuse me, Miss, can you bring me more tea, please -- and by the way -- can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?"

The waitress replies, "Certainly sir, more tea it is. And it's x-squared."

The mathematician says, "See! What did I tell you?" His friend is dumbfounded.

The waitress, meanwhile, goes to bring tea, and, having turned her back on the two professors, mutters under her breath: "Plus a constant."

### An infinite number of math mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders 1 beer. The second orders 1/2 beer. The third orders 1/4 beer. The next orders 1/8 beer. Visibly frustrated the bartender slams 2 beers on the table and says "Guys, you need to learn your limits!"

### I have a scary joke about math

But I'm 2^2 to tell it.

### I spent the whole night trying to solve a math problem...

and then it dawned on me.

### A guy is in the grocery store

A guy is in the grocery store when a pretty woman smiles at him and says hello. He's taken aback and can't place her.

"Do I know you?" he asks.

"I think you're the father of one of my kids," she says.

He racks his brain to think of how that could be. Then he remembers the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

"Wow," he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party who tied me down on the pool table and did it with me, with all my buddies cheering while your friends sprayed whipped cream on my butt? Boy that was insane."

"No," she says. " I think I'm your son's math teacher."

### If I had a nickel for every math test I've failed...

I'd have $0.63 by now.

### If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong

I'd have $1.46

### Something nice happened to me today.

I'm a huge metal fan in high school. During math class, a beautiful girl sat next to me. She turned me on so much but she didn't notice me though. I tried really hard to impress her and she is hot.

Now the teacher is passing back the last week's test. She looks at me and she starts smiling and playing with her hair. I'm spinning and I can't handle it.

The teacher then trips over me. I broke down and stopped spinning. The beautiful girl then frowns. I looked back at the front of the room while trying hard to keep cool. I have no power.

The teacher plugs me in. I start spinning. I'm a huge metal fan.

### A business owner needs an accountant to assist with his holdings.He finds a place that gets great reviews and heads over

. He goes inside and sees a small office with only two people inside. Closest to the door, is an attractive young woman with long hair, lots of makeup, and complicated nails and jewelry.

"Hi, I'm here to see the accountant." The business owner says.

She dismissively rolls her eyes and goes back to looking at something on her phone. So the man decides to press on. Towards the back of the office is a middle-aged man sitting at a desk covered in papers. The business owner walks up to him and tries again.

"Hi, I really need this balanced. I'm worried about my spending."

The other man smiles and takes the papers, looking them over cautiously.

The man turns to go and says, "Before I leave, I was just wondering about the profit margins. If I'm bringing in about 10k a week and am spending 17% of it on labor, how much should I expect to be able to put into my savings quarterly?"

The man at the desk gives him a look and stammers out an answer.

The business owner thinks about this for a second and says, "wait, that isn't correct at all."

The man at the desk laughs nervously. "Well, it's the thought that counts." The woman in the front overhears this and shakes her head while still focusing on her phone.

The business owner is taken a bit aback by this. But he tries to test the accountant's knowledge further.

"What about renovations? I've seen a notable uptick in customers recently, but I'm worried about the place not being up to snuff. How much would you think I could afford to invest into the place while still keeping the business afloat?"

The man behind the desk scrunches his face and goes back to thinking, before answering. The business owner is perplexed.

"That also doesn't sound correct."

The man behind the desk puts forth a strained laugh and says, more exasperated this time, "Well, it's the thought that counts." This time, the woman lets out an audible sign.

Not wanting this whole endeavor to be a bust, the business owner tries one more time.

"What about property taxes? What kind of increase would I be looking at based on those renovations, do you think?"

The man at the desk breaks into a sweat, thinks about it, and then blurts out an answer. The business owner has had enough.

"That's it, give me my information back! Your math is horrid! You have no clue what you're talking about and I'm going to take my business elsewhere!"

The man behind the desk loses it at this.

"LISTEN, BUDDY. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE YELLING AT ME! I'VE TOLD YOU REPEATEDLY NOW!" He immediately points at the woman near the entrance who is now looking up from her phone and staring straight at them. "IT'S THE THOT THAT COUNTS!"

### Having a crush on someone is like solving a math problem.

If you know you can't get it, all you can do is just stare at it.

### Me: this math stuff isn't gonna help us in the real world

\[20 years later\]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh

### Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

### I’ve never understood the stereotype that Asian people are good at math,

so I decided to test it out.

I went up to at least 100 different people in China and asked them a couple of math questions

The first was “What is 109 squared?”. Around 68% of them answered correctly, which I was shocked about.

Then I asked “If 2 lengths of a triangle are 37 and 29.5 then what is the other length?” Again, to my surprise, 73% answered correctly.

So I kept on asking and asking with some consistent results.

Running out of ideas I decided to do an easier question.”If 10 people are standing in a quadrilateral and half of them walked out, how many people are still in there?”

Unexpectedly everybody didn’t answer, in fact nobody even attempted, just straight up denied they knew the answer to this one simple question. This was defiantly a big surprise because even some 6 year olds could work that one out.

So in conclusion it seems that Asian people can be good at math, but refuse to recognise the Ten Men Square Problem

### While most puns make me feel numb,

Math puns always makes me feel number.