Mathematical Jokes

Do you like Mathematical jokes? That's great! We too! Find the funniest Mathematical jokes below.

The Funniest Math Jokes Ever

I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.

Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

An ancient mathematical joke

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.

The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.

The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.


SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Two nuns.....

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

"Your ticket, please..."

A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward to the moment the conductor shows up.


Suddenly one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!" All the mathematicians disappear into one washroom. The conductor checks the ticket of each engineer and then knocks at the washroom door: "Your ticket, please." The mathematicians stick the one ticket they have under the door, the conductor checks it and leaves. A few minutes later, when it is safe, the mathematicians come out of the washroom. The engineers are impressed.

When the conference has come to an end, the engineers decide that they are at least as smart as the mathematicians and also buy just one ticket for the whole group. This time the mathematicians have no ticket at all...

Again one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!".
All the engineers rush off to one washroom. One of the mathematicians goes to that washroom, knocks at the door, and says: "Your ticket, please..."

A businessman is at the office.

He was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "

A Rapey looking man follows two Nuns...SFW

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

Georgia joke

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

I don't think girls can get smarter than this...

There were two twin sisters, one of them was known for her Mathematical skills (SM), and the other one for her Logical skills (SL). On their way home from a late night party, it is getting dark and they are still far away from home.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to ****us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes 12 seconds at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute 7 seconds.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow SL.

SM arrives home and is worried about what has happened to SL. Then after a while, SL arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?

*A girl with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.*

All the mathematical functions went to a party...

There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself

They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"

To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"

The two nuns

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. But the man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the pair split up, with Sister Mathematical heading towards the convent and Sister Logical running away from it. Making a quick decision, the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. But a few short minutes later, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.....

What do you call a mathematical snake?

A π-thon.

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

A thief stole a sine and a cosine.

He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.  He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.

He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosind over sine...

and then he got cot.

What is ISIS's favorite mathematical operation?

Square Root.
Anything it is applied to becomes radicalized.

A mathematical limerick

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more.

Two Nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit (dress) up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her habit up can run faster than man with his pants down.

**EDIT:**Changed the word "dress" to "habit."

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were stranded on a desert island....

The brunette was a very intelligent woman and was able to figure out using her years of mathematical know-how, that it was 20 miles to the nearest shore and she thought she could swim it.

So off she went and made it out 5 miles and got exhausted and drowned.

After a few days the redhead decided that the brunette must not be coming back and since she was quite a bit fitter, she decided to have a go.

She swam out, past 5 miles, past 10 miles and just as she was reaching 15 miles and could practically see the shore, she got exhausted and drowned.

Now, the blonde was all alone now and waited a week before deciding to swim....
She made it past 5 miles, 10 miles no bother, she got past the 15 mile mark.....

Then about 19 miles out she got tired and swam back

Logical nun!

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10?

By mathematical induction.

Salary Theorem: The less you know, the more money you'll earn (PROVEN INSIDE!)

“Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.”

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:

Knowledge = Power

Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

A Small Collection of US State Jokes

**Georgia**

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

**Louisiana**

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana..." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

**South Carolina**

A man in South Carolina has a flat tire, so he pulls off on the side of the road places a bouquet of flowers both in front of the car and behind it. Then he gets back in the car to wait. A passerby studies the scene as he drives by, and is so curious that he turns around and goes back. He asks the fellow what the problem was.

The man replies, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asks, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responds, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

**Tennessee**

A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replies, "Any ID 'bout whut?"

**Texas**

The Sheriff pulls up next to a Texan unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asks, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right there by the side of the road?"

"Yessir officer," the Texan replies. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here; 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

What do you call a mathematical function with too many powers?

An exponential crisis.

I will be doing some themed jokes from now on. Theme 1: Business

A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do you have for collateral? "
The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says, "I don't know. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this. "
He goes into Mr. Larson's office and comes back.
Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says,
"It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago? "The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for. "

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.
By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now,
Lord, that I have your undivided attention.... "

What do you call four rats on a mathematical equation?

A quadratic equation :)

Calculus Joke

Courtesy of my math professor:

Two mathematicians go to a bar after a rigorous day of number crunching. After a few drinks, the first mathematician begins to lament the current state of the general public's mathematical knowledge.

"People just don't know their calculus anymore!"

"I don't think that's true," replies the second, " I bet they know more than you think".

"Let's make it a real bet then," says the first, " I'll bet you $100.00 that if I ask *her* a simple question, she won't be able to answer at all"

The subject of the bet was to be a particularly ditzy looking young waitress.

"You're on"

Before the bet commences, the first runs to the restroom. In the interim, the second calls the waitress over and informs her of the nature of the bet, telling her he'll give her $10 if she answers his question with "x cubed".

"X cubed," She repeats to herself, "I think I can handle that".

The first mathematician returns, ready to start the bet. They call the waitress back over and the second pretends not to know her, saying

"Excuse me miss, but I was hoping you could answer a simple question for me, what is the indefinite integral of 3x squared?"

"That's simple, it's x cubed!"

Dumbfounded, the first man admits defeat and hands over $100 to his friend. The waitress begins to walk away, but then quickly turns around.

"Hey, I forgot something," she exclaims, "Plus an arbitrary constant C!"

I met a Japanese mathematician yesterday

Japanese Mathematician: "Acknowledge my presence, zero"

Me: "Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?"

Japanese Mathematician: "Notice me sin(pi)"

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

What’s the most mathematical aspect of summer?

The tan lines

I've solved every single mathematical problem!

I have nothing more to add

I just invented a mathematical equation to solve climate change!

It’s an Al Gore ithm.

A village of mathematical functions is slumbering

when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential operator calmly replies: but I am d over dt, and proceeds to swallow the poor exponential.

Back when Einstein was giving lectures to Universities, he traveled by car.

During one journey to a certain university, his driver remarked "Dr. Einstein, I have heard you deliver that lecture over 20 times. I know it by heart and I am certain I could give it myself."

Einstein thought for a bit and replied "Well, I'll give you the chance. They don't know me at the next University, so when we get there, I’ll put on your cap, and you introduce yourself as Dr. Einstein and give the lecture".

Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver’s uniform. The driver then delivered Einstein's lecture on his theory of relativity without any mistakes. When he finished and started to leave, one of the professors stopped him and asked a complex question filled with mathematical equations. The driver thought fast. He smiled and said "the answer to that problem is so simple. I'm surprised you have to ask me. In fact, to show you just how simple it is, I'm going to ask my driver to come up here and answer your question".

I watched a documentary on mathematical functions last night, but was really disappointed.

The plot line was predictable. The special f(x) was awful too.

Best Secretary

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I gave you $1,500 minus 3%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

What do you call a machine used to predict the answer of a mathematical question before it has been proposed?

A calcuearlier

Sister Mathematical (S.M.) and Sister Logical (S.L.) [Long]

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

*S.L.*: Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour?
*S.M.*: Yes, I wonder what he wants?
*S.L.*: It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
*S.M.*: Oh no! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
*S.L.*: The only logical thing to do of course, we have to start walking faster.
*S.M.*: It's not working.
*S.L.*: Of course it's not working, the man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk faster.
*S.M.*: So, what shall we do? At this pace he will reach us in less than 1 minute.
*S.L.*: The only logical thing we can do is split up. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

*S.M.*: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened?
*S.L.*: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me.
*S.M.*: So, what happened? Please tell us.
*S.L.*: The only logical thing to happen,. I started to run as fast as I could.
*S.M.*: So what happened?
*S.L.*: The only logical thing to happen, the man also started to run as fast as he could.
*S.M.*: And what else?
*S.L.*: The only logical thing to happen, he reached me.
*S.M.*: Oh, no. what did you do then?
*S.L.*: The only logical thing to do...I took my dress up.
*S.M.*: Oh Sister, what did the man do?
*S.L.*: The only logical thing to do, he pulled down his pants.
*S.M.*: Oh, NO! What happened then?
*S.L.*: Isn't it logical Sister? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down!

At a Mathematical Functions party...

... 2^x and 3^x notice that their friend e^x is standing alone in a corner looking kinda sad. They decide to approach him and try to convince him to have a little fun with the other Functions, but he refuses. So 2^x asks him:
"Come on man try to have some fun, integrate!"
To which he replies:
"Nah it useless... in any case it doesen't change anything..."

What is a stoner's favorite mathematical term/status?

Hypotenuse.

Two mathematicians and two physicists take a train to a science symposium

On the ride there just before their tickets are checked the mathmaticians go to the loo and hide together in one cubicle. When asked to present their tickets they slide one under the booth door.

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. When prompted they slide their ticket under the door. From the outside they hear the mathmaticians: "See, physicists use mathematical principals without understanding them."

(sorry for bad grammar and/or spelling I'm not a native speaker)

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.
We also know that Girls take time and money.
There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil. Thus if my math is correct...

Time = Money
Girls = Time x money = Money^2
Money =√Evil
Thus by power of substitution...
Girls = Evil

Girls are evil.

I have a mathematical joke but

I'm 2² to say it

What are Muslim men's favorite mathematical equation?

Inequalities

Who is the rudest person in my mathematical family?

Aunt Sally

'I Love You' is a mathematical function

'I Love You' is a mathematical function where,

'I Love' - is constant and ;
'You' - is a variable..

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician are on vacation ..

...staying in a hotel, when a fire breaks out.

As a fire squad enter the engineer's room they see that he's already at work, broken the electric supply and dousing the fire with a bucketful of water.

So they go to the physicist's room; he greets them with a broad smile and a mathematical proof written on a paper. "I've conclusively proved that this fire can be put out using the extinguisher in the lobby, no worries!", he exclaims.

At last when they open the statistician's room, they are surprised to find him running about like a madman, throwing curtains and sheets in the fire. "We need more samples! we need more samples!!", he shouts.

A mathematical joke of mathematical-ness

**Why can't Atheists solve exponential equations?**



Cause they don't believe in a higher power.

[Long]A Theoretical Physicist is working diligently in his office at Columbia University.

With him is one of his graduate students minding her own business grading some of the first year students term papers. He is generally motionless except for the waggling of his pencil on the notebook he's doing sums in and the occasional pause to take a sip of his Jasmine tea.

All of a sudden his head shoots up from his equation filled stupor, left eye twitching erratically. Shakily, he rips off the page he's working on and proceeds to scrawls something hastily on the page, as steady as he can. After he finishes, he bangs on his desk to get his Grad Student's attention, and mutters "S-S-Saaaaaint-l-l-lo-ove! G-g-et. T-tooo...SAINT-L-LOVE!!" Before collapsing on to the floor. Naturally, the grad student immediately calls for an ambulance, but then, recognizing the name, calls Her professors' colleague, Prof. Craig Saintlove, PhD. the Jr. Astrophysics Chair over at Cornell, telling him what happened. Professor Saintlove, hops on a plane that night and arrives at the hospital just in time to get the bad news: his friend has passed on. The deceased professors grad student is standing outside the ICU when Saintlove walks up. She greets him, and while she is mostly composed, it's obvious that she has been crying.

"It's ok my dear, I completely understand. He and I go all the way back to M.I.T.; He was like my brother."

The grad student nods solemnly and offers Professor Saintlove the notebook her mentor had written his last message in. "Here. His last request was for you to have this. I haven't brought myself to look. It didn't seem right."

Professor Saintlove opens the notebook up and reads what is written. His eyes turn wide as saucers, and takes on the appearance of a man who just won the lottery, the Superbowl, and got married to the hottest supermodel in the world, all in the same day.

"D-d-do You know w-what this i-s!?" he finally chokes out, (hardly able to contain himself, do to having to be quiet around patients)

"No, what?" asks the grad student, interest piqued.

"If this is correct, (and I can't see why it wouldn't be, it all fits so perfectly) it's a dual resolution to the Hawking radiation paradox, and mathematical proof for the existence of Gravitons!!"

"Wait, but that would mean..."

"YES!!! It's the unified field theory!!! The old bugger did it!! Right...before...he died..."

At this point, nurses are beginning to motion for the two to contain themselves, but the mood has already become somber once more.

Presently, a doctor clutching a folder comes up to the two and after asking if they are friends or family, and disposing with greetings, announces quietly that he has the test results back from the lab and knows the cause of death. He asks Saintlove and the Grad Student if they would like to know. They indicate that they do indeed.

"Well, Before I do," the doctor explains, "I couldn't help but over hear your conversation earlier. Now, while I'm not a physicist by any means, I am *still* a man of science, and can recognize an important leap in scientific thought when I hear it."

The two, the Grad Student and Saintlove, both nod/shrug in acceptance of this truth.

"Now you're friend had a gross sub-cerebellar venous aneurysm of the right motor cortex."

The Grad and Saintlove both half ask, half state "Okay?..."

"Well," Says the doctor smirking wryly, "I *was* going to put "brain aneurysm" on the death certificate but after hearing your story, I figured that "Stroke of Genius" might be a tad more appropriate."

Did you hear about the Great Storm?

There were blustering winds hundreds of miles per hour and hail the size of minivans! What was really strange though was that the hail was shaped like numbers. Zeros, ones, twos, threes, fours, fives, etcetera all falling from the sky! It wasn't just number shapes though; there were giant subtraction, addition, multiplication, and division signs as well. There were even integral symbols, summation symbols, and greek letters for mathematical constants! The storm itself was quite short, but the aftermath was devastating.

Did you hear about the mathematical vandals?

They cover the walls in graph-iti.

I hate mathematical formulas.

They’re deriving me crazy.

World's shortest mathematical joke

Let ε ≤ 0

+ comes home from work

He finds all the other mathematical operators with a big “intervention” banner. He asks them what it’s all about. - tells him, they are very concerned because of his drug use and they want him to stop using. + answers: “I can’t do anything about it! I’ve always had an additive personality.”

A mathematical confession

u times r over the cos of C.

Doctor in statistics conquers his fear of plain bombings.

There used to be this gifted man, a marvelous mathematician who held a PhD in statistics, but also had a good understanding of chemistry, physics, electronics ... you name it He would travel the world giving lectures and teaching classes in between solving the great mathematical conundrums.


One day though at the airport, his flight was delayed due to suspected terrorist activities. This got him thinking: "What if there's a bomb on the plane? I could die!" He breaks out the statistics, and sure enough: with all of his air mileage, he has a significant risk of being killed by a plain bombing. He gets scared and backs out of his planned lectures.


A colleague of his comes over to replace him and takes his place on the flight. The flight, however, is postponed until the next day. Both men got hotel rooms and went to sleep. When the colleague went to check on the doctor in the morning, the doc was gone.


Arriving at the airport, the substitute checked in, boarded the plane and took his seat. Lo and behold, there next to him sat the doctor!


"Why on earth are you here? I thought you were terrified of a terrorist bomb?"


"Indeed I was, and still am, but I've found a way to negate the risk."


"What? Well spit it out doc! What is is?"


"Well, I calculated the odds of there being a bomb on board, which is pretty high. So I stayed up last night and I made this:"


The doctor takes his hand luggage and shows his colleague a capped piece of pipe with wires coming out, leading to a piece of circuit board.


"IS THAT ... (whispers: *is that a bomb*?!)"


"Why yes dear friend it is! The odds of a bomb being here are rather high, but the odds of TWO bombs being on a plane are near non-existant!" beamed the doctor.

What is a Hitman's favorite Mathematical Field?

*Trigger*nometry

To all the mathematicians

In statistics, the standard deviation (SD, also represented by the Greek letter sigma σ or the Latin letter s) is a measure that is used to quantify the amount of variation or dispersion of a set of data values. A low standard deviation indicates that the data points tend to be close to the mean (also called the expected value) of the set, while a high standard deviation indicates that the data points are spread out over a wider range of values.

The standard deviation of a random variable, statistical population, data set, or probability distribution is the square root of its variance. It is algebraically simpler, though in practice less robust, than the average absolute deviation. A useful property of the standard deviation is that, unlike the variance, it is expressed in the same units as the data. There are also other measures of deviation from the norm, including average absolute deviation, which provide different mathematical properties from standard deviation.

In addition to expressing the variability of a population, the standard deviation is commonly used to measure confidence in statistical conclusions. For example, the margin of error in polling data is determined by calculating the expected standard deviation in the results if the same poll were to be conducted multiple times. This derivation of a standard deviation is often called the "standard error" of the estimate or "standard error of the mean" when referring to a mean. It is computed as the standard deviation of all the means that would be computed from that population if an infinite number of samples were drawn and a mean for each sample were computed.

It is very important to note that the standard deviation of a population and the standard error of a statistic derived from that population (such as the mean) are quite different but related (related by the inverse of the square root of the number of observations). The reported margin of error of a poll is computed from the standard error of the mean (or alternatively from the product of the standard deviation of the population and the inverse of the square root of the sample size, which is the same thing) and is typically about twice the standard deviation—the half-width of a 95 percent confidence interval.

In science, many researchers report the standard deviation of experimental data, and only effects that fall much farther than two standard deviations away from what would have been expected are considered statistically significant—normal random error or variation in the measurements is in this way distinguished from likely genuine effects or associations. The standard deviation is also important in finance, where the standard deviation on the rate of return on an investment is a measure of the volatility of the investment.

When only a sample of data from a population is available, the term standard deviation of the sample or sample standard deviation can refer to either the above-mentioned quantity as applied to those data or to a modified quantity that is an unbiased estimate of the population standard deviation (the standard deviation of the entire population).

TLDR: neither did I

If there was a mathematical equation to describe social justice warriors...

It would be a really nice log.

An ideal log.

Maths Teacher Was Teaching Mathematical Conversions....

Teacher-If 1000 Kgs= Ton.
Then!

For 3000 Kgs =How Much?

Student - Ton!Ton!Ton!

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