# Mathematician Jokes

Do you like Mathematician jokes? That's great! We too! Find the funniest Mathematician jokes below.

### Math Joke

How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician?

An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.

### Did you hear about the mathematician who suffered muscle pain when writing out equations?

They had fibromyalgebra

### Two mathematics professors are sitting in a restaurant.

The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..."

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they need to know, or more."

Some time later, the first professor goes to the men's room. The other mathematician beckons to the waitress and says, "Next time you come to our table, I am going to ask you a question. No matter what I ask, I want you to answer by saying 'x-squared'. Please don't mess it up and there's an extra tip coming your way."

The waitress agrees. When the first mathematician returns, his companion says, "So lets put your theory to the test. I am going to ask some random person who comes by our table an elementary calculus question, and we'll see if they can solve it."

Soon the waitress comes by and he says, "Excuse me, Miss, can you bring me more tea, please -- and by the way -- can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?"

The waitress replies, "Certainly sir, more tea it is. And it's x-squared."

The mathematician says, "See! What did I tell you?" His friend is dumbfounded.

The waitress, meanwhile, goes to bring tea, and, having turned her back on the two professors, mutters under her breath: "Plus a constant."

### Why didn’t the mathematician drink at the party?

Because you can’t drink and derive.

### A physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and a statistician were all staying at the same hotel.

One night, the physicist wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire. He quickly grabs a bucket of water and puts the fire out.

The engineer is also sleeping and wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire as well. He pulls out his calculator and calculates the exact amount of water necessary to put the fire out. He then proceeds to actually put the fire out.

The mathematician likewise wakes up to see his trash can on fire. He pulls out his calculator and calculates that water can be used to put fires out. He then returns to his bed.

The statistician continues setting trash cans on fire to get a larger sample size.

### How did the mathematician die?

Graphically

### What do mathematician mermaids wear?

Algae-bras!

### How did the mathematician treat his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

### Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

### The mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a pint of beer. The second mathematician orders a half. The third, a quarter pint. There is an infinite line up of Mathematicians.

The bartender fills up two pints and slides it over to the Mathematicians.

### A priest, a doctor, and a mathematician...

are playing golf, and they notice that the group ahead of them is playing slower than any group they've seen before. So when the owner of the course walks by, they ask why the group ahead of them were going so slowly. The owner says, "Oh, this is a group of volunteer firemen who lost their sight while saving our course from a raging fire last year; we let them play for free."

The priest says, "I'll have my congregation pray for them."

The doctor says, "I'll do my best to get them a good surgeon."

The mathematician says, "Why don't they play at night?"

### An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel for a convention.

A fire breaks out in each of their trash cans at the same time during the night.

The engineer wakes up, dumps water onto the fire until its out, then a little more to make sure it stays out, and goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up, grabs his notepad, calculates the amount of water he needs to put out the fire, puts it out, and goes back to bed.

The mathematician wakes up, grabs his notepad, proves that water can put out fire and goes back to bed shortly before burning to death.

### A Mathematician and an Engineer...

A mathematician and an engineer are standing about 20 feet away from an absolutely gorgeous blonde woman who is eyeing them both seductively.

She says to them, "Every time you approach me, you may only travel half the distance between us. Will you ever reach me?"

The mathematicitian says, "No, I'd never be able to reach you."

The engineer smiles and says, "Close enough."

### An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders one pint, the second one also orders 1 pint (astonishing the barman because he thought it was a repost), the third orders 1/2 a pint, the fourth orders 1/6th of a pint, the fifth orders 1/24th of a pint and so on. The bartender sees where this is going and says, "I'm all out of alcohol tonight, but I figure this might help you.", as he scribbled a number on a paper and passed it.

As the first mathematician dialled '27182-81828' and called the number, a voice picked up on the other side, "Hello, this is Descartes Lubricants, how can I help you?". Then they realised.

The barman had given them the Oiler's Number.

### A pretty girl walks into a mathematician's and engineer's lab...

... and says she will bang whichever of them shows the most athletic or intelligent talent. Since they are equally smart, they decide to go 3/5 on a few different exercises at the gym. The first exercise is chin-ups, which the engineer wins. The second is long jump, which the mathematician wins. The third is squats, which the engineer fails in a matter of seconds.

It is clear to the engineer when the reach the fourth event, short dash, that he has no hope of winning. Eagerly, the mathematician says "Where to?" The engineer knows he can't run very far, so he says "just to the door." The door is on the farthest end of the gym. The engineer knows he's beat, but does the challenge anyways.

The girl shouts 'GO!' and they run as fast as they can. The engineer gets a bit of a lead, but falls behind the mathematician eventually. finally, the mathematician runs out the door and yells "YES! I WIN!"

Then he looks around to the engineer, who locks the door.

### How does a mathematician deal with constipation?

The same way he deals with all his other problems. He works it out with a pencil.

### An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

### A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist bombing the plane. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage.

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

### Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them

### Did you here about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

### did you hear about the mathematician with a phobia of negative numbers?

he will stop at nothing to avoid them

### A mathematician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The punchline has been left as an exercise for the reader.

### What does a mathematician do about constipation?

Sits down and works it out with a pencil.

### Two mathematicians walk into a bar.

Two mathematicians walk into a bar and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, OK?"

The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem."

He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her,

"What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"

She responds, "one-third x cubed."

The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."

### An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.

Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm more active! I'm in my prime!"

### A gambler invites two friends, a mathematician and an engineer, to the casino to try and score big with their help.

The mathematician suggests blackjack, as with card counting it's the only game where the house doesn't have an advantage. The engineer agrees for the same reason, but warns, that since this is the real world, to be wary of the casino getting wise to them. The gambler follows the advice of his intellectual friends.

As they are heading to the blackjack table they see a large crowd around a roulette table, the gambler asks a crowd member what's going on and they explain that black has been hit 24 times in a row, the gambler quickly scrambles to the front and makes a huge bet on red, telling his friends that red is "due". The mathematician explains the roulette table doesn't have memory and that past results don't effect future ones, not only that, 24 of the same colour in a row is only a 1 in 30 million chance which seems unlikely but when one thinks about how many games of roulette around the world are played on a regular basis it's very likely to occur somewhere.

Sure enough, the result is black again and the gambler breaks down into tears, as he was already broke to begin with. His friend the engineer pats him on the shoulder and passes him enough chips to double what he just lost and explains he just won way more from a big bet on black.

The mathematician asks why on earth would he bet on roulette when the house has a large advantage. The engineer asks the mathematician what's more likely: we're witnessing a 1 in 30 million chance event, or that someone has messed with the table?

### What do you call a mathematician who drinks too much?

A functioning alcoholic.

### A mathematician wanders back home at 3A.M..

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a 'quarter of 12'.”

### What do you call a mathematician at the beach?

A tan gent.

### A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

### I was talking to a mathematician the other day about fractions

it was fair to say, our opinions were divided

### How do you tell an introvert and an extrovert mathematician apart?

When talking to you, the extrovert mathematician looks at *your* shoes.

### An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in adjacent rooms of a hotel.

The engineer decides to smoke before he goes to bed, carelessly throws the cigarette into the trashcan, and then goes to sleep. He wakes up about an hour later to see that the trashcan is on fire! So he rises hurriedly, takes some water from the sink, throws it on the fire, and puts it out. Relieved, the engineer goes back to bed and sleeps soundly. But he was too late, and meanwhile, the fire has traveled through a nearby air duct into the physicist's room, lighting his trashcan on fire.

The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly approximates the volume of the fire, then the volume of water needed to put it out. He takes this amount of water, throws it on the fire, and it works like a charm. So the physicist goes back to bed. But the fire has already traveled into the next room, where the mathematician sleeps.

The mathematician wakes to find that he is in the same predicament as the other two. So he sits up, looks at the fire, looks at the sink, mutters "there is a solution," and goes back to sleep.

### What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?

√4 the home team

### A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathematician accepts the challenge, and they switch places for the next speech. The driver dresses like the professor, and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.

The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it."

### Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?

The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

15. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

18. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

19. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

20. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

21. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point.

22. Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.

They’re never coming back — don’t ask Y.

23. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

24. After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

25. There are three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Intermediate

26. Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s “two” gross.

27. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?

A tangent. (A tan gent.)

28. What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula.

29. My girlfriend is the square root of –100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

30. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

31. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?

It was 3 feet deep, on average.

32. How do you get from point A to point B?

Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

33. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

34. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

35. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

36. There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.

The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?”

They hire the accountant.

### A mathematician was pregnant

Her friend asked her:

- Boy or girl?

- Yes.

### A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician

are having one of their daily meetings for a project when the waste basket catches on fire. The physicist gets up, gets a bucket from the closet, goes out to fill it with water, and puts out the fire. The meeting is concluded without further incident.

During the next day's meeting, the waste basket catches on fire again. The chemist gets up, gets the bucket from where the physicist left it, goes out to fill it with sand, and puts out the fire. The meeting goes on as normal.

The following day, the waste basket catches on fire again. The mathematician gets up, gets the bucket from where the chemist left it, puts it in the closet, and returns to his seat, thus reducing the problem to one that has already been solved.

### The difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician

An engineer and a mathematician volunteer for a test, they are both led into a large room with nothing but a naked woman at the far end. Both men are told they can do anything they want to the woman but they can only move half the distance closer whenever the tester blows a whistle.

"What's the point? I'll never get to her!" the mathematician says and leaves the room in frustration. The engineer stays but is queried as to why by the tester.

"Sooner or later I'll be close enough for most practical purposes."

### How did the mathematician kill himself?

Hung himself with a hypotenoose

### Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'

One fine day, one of her nephews has a great idea; he invites a mathematician who lives a few blocks away to try and convince Aunt Bessie with numbers..

*"....and hence, Aunt Bessie, the chance of someone carrying a bomb in your plane is literally one in a million!"*, proves the mathematician.

*"Really?....and what would you say are the chances of...2 persons carrying a bomb in a plane?"*, she asks, curiously...

*"That would be less than one in a billion! C'mon, Aunt Bessie...you should go!"*

*"Huh...fine...I'll go!"*, relents Aunt Bessie, and from that day onwards, she merrily goes to all her nieces and nephews all over the world, with a bomb in her bag.

### How does a mathematician get to work?

He derives!

### How does a mathematician deal with constipation?

They get a pencil and work it out.

### A mathematician walks into a bar

The rest of the joke is trivial and is left to the student as an exercise.

### Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

She will stop at nothing to avoid them.

### The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

### A scientist, Mathematician, and statistictian all go out hunting....

They see a deer and this Scientist takes the first shot. He misses by 3 feet

The Mathematician takes a shot and misses again by 3 feet on the opposite side.

The Statistictian shouts "We hit it!"

### What did the mathematician order at the Spanish restaurant?

A π-ella

### A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

His wife is livid. “You swore that you would be home by 11:45!”

"No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

### One for the Mathematicians

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.

They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.

A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.

“The solution is easy,” she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.

After she leaves, one of the engineers says,

“That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!”

### How do you help a mathematician buy a new car?

Cosine

### How does a Mathematician hang them selves?

With a hypotenuse.

### 4 men were standing outside a casino (long)

A Mathematician, an engineer, a stock broker and a gambler were standing outside a casino talking.

Suddenly the gambler walks in and comes out broke a few minutes later. I just didn't have any luck.

That's not how you do it the stock broker remarks, let me show you how it's done. The stock broker walks in and walks out later

carrying half as much money. You need to manage your risks he said to the others.

The engineer scoffed at the results. "Let me show you how it's done". The engineer walks in through the front door and immedietly walks out. He lets the other guys know that the only winning move is to not play.

Finally the mathematician speaks up, "No no no, that is not how you do it. Let me show you how it's done.". Like always the mathematican walks in, and walks out an hour later carrying a huge sack of money.

How did you do that? the engineer asks shocked. To which the mathematician replied:

"Just go to the roulette table and bet -1000 on every square".

### It's Obvious...

So two mathematicians meet in the corridor of their building and one asks the other "so what are you working on?" The second mathematician replies "I've been working on this interesting proof, come into the lounge and I'll show you".

The two go into the faculty lounge and the guy starts to work out his new proof. After chugging along for about 15 minutes, he turns to the ~~first~~ second guy and says "so here, you'll see that the answer is therefore obvious". The first guy stares at it for quite while. He makes a few notes on the side of the board, then stares some more. He scribbles more and stares more.

The first guy eventually shrugs and goes home. The first guy keeps working well past midnight. He finally goes home and collapses in bed, but is clearly obsessed with the problem. Over the next few days, he keeps working on it in his every spare moment. He fills the white board in his office, the one he has mounted in the garage at home and he even fills the old blackboard in the abandoned classroom in the old lab. Finally, one day he jumps up, punches his fist in the air and screams "Eureka!" at the top of his lungs. He runs down the corridor, into the classroom where the other mathematician is holding a seminar and yells out:

"You're right, it's obvious!"

Eit: Corrected idiot typo...

### 10 out of 10 mathematicians agree

that only 1 mathematician was surveyed.

### Why was the mathematician arrested at the bar?

He was caught drinking and deriving.

### Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".

Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".

Medical Student : "4"

All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??"

Medical Student: I memorized it."

### A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house

A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house. They see two people enter and three people leave.

Biologist: “We have just witnessed an example of reproduction.”

Statistician: “This falls within the statistical error.”

Mathematician: “If one more person enters the house, it will be empty...”

### A mathematician is in a burning hotel room.

When he spots the fire extinguisher, he says, “ok, the problem is solvable” and goes back to sleep.

### A mathematician starts to get dangerously underweight, so he goes to the dietitian.

The dietitian diagnoses him with anorexia and tells him to try to eat three square meals a day.

Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

### What does a horny mathematician with a lisp do to have fun?

**Math debates**

### Don't Want to be a Square

Jim is a mathematician out at Stanford University. Now Jim knows that he isn't cool- he's so out of touch, he still thinks people use the term "square" to describe guys like him.

One say Jim decides that he doesn't want to be a square anymore. He thinks, "everyone likes football players. I'll stop being a square and play football!"

So the next morning Jim gets up at five in the morning and runs ten miles. He throws up by the highway, sweats out everything he's got, and has an altogether miserable time. But he keeps it together. He thinks, "I don't wanna be a square, I've got to stick with it!"

So he does, and a year later, he finishes a marathon in record time!

Next he decides to bulk up: he starts hitting the gym after his run every morning. But the gym is awful- Jim is horribly scrawny, and he can't even lift the lightest weights! He's humiliated after his first day, and everyone laughs at him. But he thinks, "I can't quit- if I quit, I'll always be a square!"

So he sticks with it, and a year later, Jim makes it to a World's Strongest Man competition!

Next he focuses on game skills. He starts going to a football camp. But wouldn't you I know it, day one is awful! The other players best him up, he messes up every play, missed every catch, and walks home sore and humiliated. He wants to quit, but he thinks, "I can't quit- if I quit now, I'll always be a square!"

So he sticks with it, and a year later he's drafted by San Francisco to play football for them! But he turns them down. Everyone is shocked, and Jim finally tells them why.

"I started training for this because I didn't want to be a square. Now I may not know everything about football, but I know a lot about math. And if I were a 49er, I'd be a square."

(insert audience death threats here)

### A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist get coffee at a street café.

A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house.

The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

The computer scientist says, "They must have used a backdoor."

### A physicist, a biologist, a programmer, and a mathematician ....

are sitting at a café across from an empty building.

They observe two people enter and then, later, three leave.

The physicist says, "Apparently there was some error with our measurements."

The biologist says, "Obviously, they reproduced while in the building."

The mathematician opines, "If now one more were to enter the building, it would again be empty."

And then the programmer replies "they must've used a backdoor".

### A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red ball.

The mathematician measures its diameter, substitutes it into a formula for volume, and calculates the answer.

The physicist submerges the ball and measures the volume of displaced liquid.

The engineer looks it up in his Handbook on Red Balls.

### A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table..

drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.

The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."

The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

### What did the drowning mathematician say?

Logloglogloglog...

### A zoologist, a statistician, and a mathematician are sitting across the street from an empty house.

While they are sitting there they see two people enter the house. A short while later they see three people leave the house.

The zoologist says "They must have reproduced."

The statistician says "Our initial count must have been wrong."

The mathematician says "If one more person goes into that house it will be empty again."

### A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

### An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hall, for it has reignited. He finds a fire hose, and, after calculating velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., he extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Satisfied, he goes to bed. Even later, the mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke. He goes into the hall and sees the fire and hose. He thinks for a moment, then exclaims, "Ah! A solution exists!", and then goes back to bed.

### A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist, 'which makes the result of the investigation inconclusive.'

'Nonsense!' says the biologist. 'The population decreased due to external pressures. Natural selection acted and the weaker individuals were removed from the gene pool.'

The mathematician starts to laugh. 'You fools! You've got it all wrong!', he says. 'There must have been negative one people in the house to start with!'

### A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...

They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.

"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.

The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a backdoor somewhere."

The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.

Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goes in there, then there's no one inside!"

### A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.

The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.

The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. When he's done, he says "I define myself to be the outside.

### What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

### How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem?

He worked it out with a pencil.

### A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer...

...were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

### A mathematician is paying for his groceries...

A mathmatician is paying for his groceries and the cashier asks for him to write his signature. He draws a single wave on the pad. When he sees the cashiers' confused look he says, "What? it says 'sign here'."

### An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he needs to extinguish the fire, carefully measures it from the bucket, and puts out the fire, not a drop wasted.

The mathematician walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He looks back at the fire, then back at the bucket. He throws his arms into the air and exclaims “A SOLUTION EXISTS!!!” and walks out of the room.

Two weeks later, the statistician is charged with several counts of arson. When questioned by the police, he says “I saw a fire and didn’t know what to do so I increased my sample size”

### TIL Zero and its operation were first defined by Hindu astronomer and mathematician Brahmagupta in 628

Thanks for nothing

### Did you hear about the mathematician that had a fear of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

### A mathematician walks into a bar and says "I want √2 beers"

The bartender tells him "You're being irrational"

### Best All Time Favourite Jokes

A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question:

The mathematician was first. "How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked

"1000" he replied without hesitation.

"Thank you", they dismissed him.

Next the statistician. "How much is 500 plus 500?"

On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence replied the statistician

"Thank you", they dismissed him.

Next the accountant."How much is 500 plus 500?"

What would you like it to be? responded the accountant.

They hired the accountant.

### Why is a mathematician never constipated?

She just works it out with a pencil.

### A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

### An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician

An engineer wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. Panicking, he leaps out of bed in only his robe and slippers, kicks over the wastebasket, and stomps out the flames, spreading ash and cinders all over his bedroom.

A physicist wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. A bit startled, he hurries to the kitchen and returns with a large dinner plate. He places the plate over the wastebasket and waits for the fire to extinguish.

A mathematician wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. Coolly, he sits down at his desk with a pen and paper and scribbles some formulas. He scratches out his work, then lights a cigarette and sits back to consider. Suddenly thoughtful, he looks at the glass of water sitting on his desk. He takes one last drag from his cig, then drops it in the glass and watches it go out. "Aha!" he exclaims, "a solution exists!" and then returns to bed.

### How did the mathematician foil the villains plan?

(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln

### The difference between the engineer, the physicist, and the mathematician..

The engineer believes equations approximate reality..

The physicist believes reality approximates equations..

The mathematician has no idea what the other two are talking about.

### A Mathematician works at a bar.

A loud man walks into the bar and says "I want some drinks!"

And the bartender replies with "How many drinks?"

The man answers "5!"

The bartender took the man's order and gave him 120 drinks.

### A mathematician, physicist and an engineer...

... are trying to measure a building.

The mathematician tries to calculate the height of the building by using angle of elevation.

The physicist throws an egg off the top of the building and tries using the time it takes to fall.

The engineer walks up to the owner of the building and asks them how tall it is.

### What do you call a Mathematician who is an outlaw and a liar?

an outlier

downvote brigade can start now

### A mathematician and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

The were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed out. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out, "Dont you see you'll never actually reach her?" to which the engineer replied, "so what? pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

[Stolen]

### Nobel Prize Joke

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.

The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it."

### How did the mathematician solve his problem with constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil

### Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

### Did you hear the one about the mathematician who committed Sudoku?

He did a number on himself.

### What did the mathematician call his dead parrot?

Polygon

### A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a street cafe watching a house across the street.

They notice two people entering the house and, after a while, three people leaving the house.

"The measurement wasn't accurate!", says the physicist.

"They must have reproduced!", says the biologist.

The mathematician says, "Should one more person enter the house, then it will be empty."

### A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked "What is 1 + 1"?

The mathematician says "2"

The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1"

The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".

### Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 10%".

The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70".

The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers "*how much do you want it to be?*"

### A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because they are the same."

The mathematician responded, "Well, really for numbers to exist, one must actually assume that 1+1=2, then the entire number line can be constructed. It's an axiom."

The accountant gave a wry smile and said, "1+1 eh? Well, what do you want it to equal?"