# New Math Jokes

### English puns make me feel numb

Math jokes make me feel number

### The most important thing I learned in school is how to use math in my everyday life.

Damn, I meant to say meth, damn drugs been messing with my brain

### Children have a math class

Teacher:Abdul,how much is 5x2?

Abdul:10

Teacher:And 8x2?

Abdul:9

Teacher:Wrong,try again?

Abdul:8

Teacher:Run kids,ruuun....

### I have the talent of doing math with any blade.

Mostly long division.

### Doing math after years out of school is like riding a bike

It's no fun when you run into something hard.

### What did the math teacher say to his trig class when he saw the test?

This should be smooth scalene for you guys

### Why do math professors shout?

It makes them factorial.

### I used to have a job reccommending people for math award shows.

I was denominator.

### Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend

I responded with "I have a math test tommorow"

She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

### Recently a teacher got arrested...

Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction.

### What math do Norse gods use?

Frigganometry.

### Abdul was a school going boy

In math class, the teacher asks him "Abdul, what is 5 times 2?"

Abdul says "10"

"Very good, now tell me what is 4 times 3?"

Abdul says "9"

The teacher says "No, the answer is 12"

"8..."

### 99% of people can do simple math operations.

I belong to the other 2%.

### what snake love math

an adder

### How come Jedi can only do math with fractions?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

### D&D...

is just math disguised as Skyrim.

### In high school my math teacher was secretly a pirate.

All she ever wanted to do was find X.

### A student seemed upset so a math teacher walks up to him.

The teacher says hey tommy what's wrong?

Tommy says I'm having girl problems and I need help solving this issue.

The teacher says I'll do what I can.

Tommy says I don't want to tell you their names so let's call them x y and z. I like y and yesterday in the lunchroom I ran into them and it seemed like y was trying to flirt with me but her friends interrupted and in the end they just made fun of me.

The teacher says this is your problem? He continues and says you should have learned this in middle school.

Tommy says am I supposed to write a love letter?

The teacher replies and says no Tommy this is why you are failing my class.

You're supposed to isolate the variable!

### Bad at math

You know, I figured out I was good at math.

One day we were all doing a problem, and I quickly got an answer. This had never happened before, normally I get an answer last. I was also not very good at math, and I was proud I got my answer first.

In a couple of minutes everyone else had finished the problem. Deep down I knew I was right, I had to have a little bit of luck sometime, right?

We all said our answers out loud and they all had the same answers, mine was the only different one.

But like I said, I knew I had the correct answer. The teacher looked at me, then looked at everyone else, and shook his head. He looked at me again and sighed. Then he said," I'm going to send an quick email to your parents"

So clearly I was the only one who got the problem right, right?

Moral: Even if you finish first, it doesn't always mean your right

### I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

### A math equation

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divide that by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and nothing else more.

### Why my math home work killed himself?

Because he had so much problems

### There are three kinds of people in the world

1. People that know math

2. People that don't know math

### Teacher: Why didn't you submit your math homework?

Kid: It committed suicide because you gave it too many problems

### I wish all problems in math class were like the anti-vaccinators...

That way they would be self solving.

### They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life with two minutes

I did the math

Seems I died in 1576

### A boy rushes home to his dad

Dad dad I got a 100 on my math tests

That's great son can I see?

See look, two 50's makes 100

### What do you say when you don't know the answer to a math question?

Je ne sais Pi

### I used to have a girlfriend that would give me math problems for fun.

I was solving for ex.

### Which math topic do plants like?

Surds, because they have roots.

### A business owner needs an accountant to assist with his holdings.He finds a place that gets great reviews and heads over

. He goes inside and sees a small office with only two people inside. Closest to the door, is an attractive young woman with long hair, lots of makeup, and complicated nails and jewelry.

"Hi, I'm here to see the accountant." The business owner says.

She dismissively rolls her eyes and goes back to looking at something on her phone. So the man decides to press on. Towards the back of the office is a middle-aged man sitting at a desk covered in papers. The business owner walks up to him and tries again.

"Hi, I really need this balanced. I'm worried about my spending."

The other man smiles and takes the papers, looking them over cautiously.

The man turns to go and says, "Before I leave, I was just wondering about the profit margins. If I'm bringing in about 10k a week and am spending 17% of it on labor, how much should I expect to be able to put into my savings quarterly?"

The man at the desk gives him a look and stammers out an answer.

The business owner thinks about this for a second and says, "wait, that isn't correct at all."

The man at the desk laughs nervously. "Well, it's the thought that counts." The woman in the front overhears this and shakes her head while still focusing on her phone.

The business owner is taken a bit aback by this. But he tries to test the accountant's knowledge further.

"What about renovations? I've seen a notable uptick in customers recently, but I'm worried about the place not being up to snuff. How much would you think I could afford to invest into the place while still keeping the business afloat?"

The man behind the desk scrunches his face and goes back to thinking, before answering. The business owner is perplexed.

"That also doesn't sound correct."

The man behind the desk puts forth a strained laugh and says, more exasperated this time, "Well, it's the thought that counts." This time, the woman lets out an audible sign.

Not wanting this whole endeavor to be a bust, the business owner tries one more time.

"What about property taxes? What kind of increase would I be looking at based on those renovations, do you think?"

The man at the desk breaks into a sweat, thinks about it, and then blurts out an answer. The business owner has had enough.

"That's it, give me my information back! Your math is horrid! You have no clue what you're talking about and I'm going to take my business elsewhere!"

The man behind the desk loses it at this.

"LISTEN, BUDDY. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE YELLING AT ME! I'VE TOLD YOU REPEATEDLY NOW!" He immediately points at the woman near the entrance who is now looking up from her phone and staring straight at them. "IT'S THE THOT THAT COUNTS!"

### Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?

​

She’s definitely plotting something.

### My math teacher called me average

I thought that was pretty mean.

### Little Johnny Learns Math

The teacher asked Little Johnny, "What's two and two?" He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four, teacher?" She said, "Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers.

"Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's three and three." He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, "Six, teacher?" She said, "Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers.

"Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five." He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?"

### A Jewish boy was failing math.

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room and stayed there the entire night until it was time for bed. This continued for the entire semester. On the day of the next term, the boy came home as always, slammed his report card on the table with his coat, and proceeded upstairs. When the mother reviewed his report card, she was astonished to find he had gotten an A in math for the first time ever. Delighted, she ran upstairs to congratulate her son. She found him scribbling furiously in his notebook.

“Zach! You got an A! I’m so proud of you! Are the nuns really as good of teachers as Jodee said they were?”

“No.”

“Then what is it? How come you’ve gotten so good at math all of sudden?”

“Well mom, when I walked into that school and saw that poor man nailed the to the plus sign, I knew these Catholics were serious about this whole math thing.”

### My math teacher was feeling depressed.

I told him he should get to the root of the problem quickly before he starts feeling sinusoidal.

### Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

### What do you call a gassy 18 year old who teaches math on the side?

A tutor

### A professor asks a math student, an engineering student and a medical student what 2+2=...

A professor asked a math student, an engineering student and a medical student, "What is two plus two?"

The math student excitedly states: "That is a solvable problem. The set of integers is a closed system under addition. Two is an integer, so the sum of 2 and 2 must also be an integer. Suppose for the sake of contradiction that 2+2<4..." The math student continues in quiet, mysterious tones, proving some result.

The engineering student waves his hands and says, "Something between 3 and 5."

The medical student responds: "Four."

The professor is thrilled to get the answer he was looking for and asked,"Excellent! How did you know?"

The medical student: "I memorized it."

(I found this home from when I was a medical student long ago. Thought you would enjoy)

### My parents got called into a conference with my math teacher

I wasn’t submitting homework and I was skipping questions on my tests. It’s no problem though; I’m in the clear. They explained to him that we are atheists so he can’t make me solve exponential functions due to the fact we don’t believe in higher powers.

### Two mathematicians, one pessimist and one optimist, are sitting at a bar, arguing about the general public's knowledge of math...

The pessimist says that most people are absolutely terrible at math while the optimist says that although people don't know much, they at least know a bit and it's better than nothing.

When the pessimist goes for a smoke, the optimist tells the attractive blonde waitress, "When my colleague returns, I will ask you a question. The content of the question doesn't matter - all you have to do is respond with, 'one third x cubed.'"

Over the loud music, the waitress asks, "One fur is cute?"

"No, no, no, one third x cubed," responds the optimist. "Ohh okay, one third is tubed. Uhh okay...Got it." The waitress leaves, repeating to herself, "one third is tubed, one third is tubed."

When the pessimist returned, the optimist tells him, "Let's do a little experiment and ask the waitress what the answer to a simple integral is."

The pessimist smirks and agrees. The optimist calls over the waitress and asks, "Do you by any chance know the integral of x\^2 dx?" The waitress answers, "One third of x cubed..."

The pessimist is surprised while the optimist laughs joyfully. The waitress starts walking away before turning around and adding, "plus a constant."

### My crush used to call me a math nerd.

I was 2² to ask her out.

### My math teacher told me my IQ is pretty average.

Now that's just mean.

### A large blond convention was held.

A large blonde convention was held to prove once and for all that blondes are not so dumb after all. The auditorium filled with thousands of blond haired spectators. The brightest blonde was selected to answer some simple math questions.

The host asked her “what is 2+2?”

The blonde replied “5”.

The host replied “sorry, that is not correct.”

Immediately the audience erupted, and began chanting in unison “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

“Ok fine,” the host said “what is 1+1?”

“3.”

“Wrong again.”

“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”.

“Ok, what is 0+0?”.

“0.”

“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

### I was doing math review the other night

I must say, it was quite triggy

### Johnny, I heard you are really fast at mental math, right?

"Yes, sir."said little Johnny.

"Well, how about you tell me the answer of 27x74?"said the math teacher.

"679"Johnny replied immediately.

"Wow, impressive. Let's see…it is not correct at all!"

"Fast, isn't it?"

(Traslated)

### How did a cow do so well on his math test?

He did all the proper cowculations

First time posting, my gf wasn’t very impressed but hope you guys can find humour in this!!

### What do teens say when they have trouble with even numbers in their math class?

I can't even

### I like the way you think!

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

### I have a scary joke about math

But I'm 2^2 to tell it.

### So i thought i could get over my fear of math jokes

But in the end i was 2^2 to tell it.

### A math professor walks into his classroom with a black eye

Student: what happened professor?

Prof: I got into a fight.

Student: with who?

Prof: Numbers that aren’t divisible by 2.

Class Clown: I guess the odds were against you.

### My Math Professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for his second, and 4 minutes late for his third.

At this rate, he’ll never be there in time.

### 10 yr old Son: You learn you have only 1 minute to live before you die. What do you do?

8 yr old Daughter: I'd go to Math class because it feels like 5 hours.

### I have a scary joke about math

But I'm 2² to say it.....

### What is 5 times 5 junkies?

Crystal Math

### Do you want to hear a math joke?

Me neither.

### A CEO needs help with a math problem so he asks his secretary to come into his office.

“If I were to give you 12% of $190,000, how much would you take off?” He asked.

She replied “everything but my earrings.”

### Some rabbits may be dumb, but they have math skills

They're really good at multiplying.

### I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times...

So few that I can count on my fingers

### If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..

I would have $6.38.

### Math teacher: "What do you call an angle of 90 degrees?"

Me: "Fahrenheit or Celsius?"

### I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.

He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

### why can’t you chug beer and do high school math at the same time?

it’s illegal to drink and derive >:(

### Why was the math book so sad?

It had a lot of problems.

### If I get caught cheating on this math test

I'll have a problem on my hands

### I hate math tests

I choke and forget formulas because im 2^2

### It broke my heart to see my crush date the class jock, saying she didn't like math nerds

That said, I was 2^2 to ask her out anyway.

### Me being a math nerd I was certain that my crush would reject me if I asked her out

But either way, I was 2² to ask her out

### My crush rejected me for being a math nerd

I was 2² to ask her out

### My crush rejected me for being a Math nerd.

I was 2^2 to ask her out.

### Math joke

Where do math acronyms go to get their furniture? BEDMAS and beyond.

### I have a scary joke about math

But I'm 2^(2) to say it

### I had a frightening math joke where the answer comes out to 4.

But I'm 2^2 to even say it.

### I thought of a math joke

I'm just 2² to say it

### I know a funny math joke

But I’m 2^2 to say it

### I have a scary joke about math

But i am 2² to say it.

### I got a math joke I’d like to tell you....

But I’m 2² to say it.

### I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers.

What are the odds?

### Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems.

### What do you say to a math problem that you're procrastinating from?

Calculater.

### What did the math team say when they were being beaten?

We 4/5

### I met this man outside the street and we walk into a bar.

We had a small conversation. Then he brought up writing as the topic.

He said: "I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

I went out of the bar after my drink. Two weeks later, he now works for big computer companies writing error messages for blue screens, red screens, error messages, and most importantly, syntax errors, math errors, and the like.

### I had a scary math joke...

But I'm 2^2 to say it

### A joke my Math professor started the year with

Mathematician, Physicist and a Statistician are on a trip to Scotland, as they climb a mountain they spot a black sheep in the distance.

The Statistician say "You see? I told you there are black sheeps in scotland"

So the Physicist say "not exactly, that only proves that there is at least 1 black sheep in scotland"

And the Mathematician says "No, it only proves that there is at least 1 sheep in Scotland, and that sheep is black on one of her sides"

### I’ve never understood the stereotype that Asian people are good at math,

so I decided to test it out.

I went up to at least 100 different people in China and asked them a couple of math questions

The first was “What is 109 squared?”. Around 68% of them answered correctly, which I was shocked about.

Then I asked “If 2 lengths of a triangle are 37 and 29.5 then what is the other length?” Again, to my surprise, 73% answered correctly.

So I kept on asking and asking with some consistent results.

Running out of ideas I decided to do an easier question.”If 10 people are standing in a quadrilateral and half of them walked out, how many people are still in there?”

Unexpectedly everybody didn’t answer, in fact nobody even attempted, just straight up denied they knew the answer to this one simple question. This was defiantly a big surprise because even some 6 year olds could work that one out.

So in conclusion it seems that Asian people can be good at math, but refuse to recognise the Ten Men Square Problem

### My math teacher came out today

She stood in front of the class and said she was binomial.

### Math professor: Today we're doing geometry.

**Me:** *[falls asleep]*

[20 years later]

**Cult leader:** set up a pentagram of salt.

**Me:** a what now?

### My math teacher is terrified of negative numbers.

She'll stop at *nothing* to avoid them.

### What is a monsters favorite subreddit?

r/theydidthemath

The monster math ?

### Arguing about math really gets me off.

I guess I just like math-debating.

### Earlier today I asked my Math Teacher how to calculate the area of a circle...

He then told me that pies are squared. I walked away asking myself asking myself how I could have such a stupid math teacher. Can’t even tell me how to calculate the area of a circle...

### The people who create math worksheets are so lazy.

They create a bunch of problems and expect other people to solve it for them.

### If you find no solution to an issue, it's probably not an issue to be solved, but rather a truth to be accepted.

I applied this logic in my math exam; I failed.

### I asked my math professor if he could carry my books for me.

But he said he could only carry the one.

### Pumpkin math joke.

What do you get when you divide a pumpkins diameter by its circumference?

Pumpkin pi.

### In high school math class ...

I owned a car and I was good at calculus. They made me the "designated deriver".

### Why do math teachers exist?

To make a difference in the world.

### A math teacher is teaching his class in a green costume

Halloween was soon, so he and most of the school was dressed up.

He decided to dress up as The Flash, as he was a popular character among the students, but not knowing the character well, he ended up with a green version of the costume.

After a bit of mocking by the students, he began teaching as usual.

After he finishes explaining something, one of his students raises his hand.

"Yes, Lucas?" He says.

"Actually, that's incorrect" Lucas says.

Lucas explains it in the correct way, and then sits back down.

The teacher, flustered, can't think of what to say, but he manages to blurt something out.

"That's impossible!" He says.

"No one can just correct the Emerald Flash!"

### A joke my Math teacher told me

He once asked a fifth grader "Paddy, can you use the word 'geometry' in a sentence?". So Paddy thought up with this answer.

​

"One day, I fell out of a tree and looked at myself realising i'm an acorn. I then got chucked around by some humans and shoved into the dirt. It then started to rain and I started to feel a little bigger. After a couple of months of growing, I looked at myself and thought hard and said 'Gee, I'm a tree'".